Life is what happens while we’re making other plans

DestructionIt’s been almost a year now since I’ve found the wherewithal to share my soul musings here. My apologies to those who’ve stopped by and found nothing new and inspiring to read, and my thanks to those who have left comments and ‘likes’ regardless.

Just as there has been movement in and out of my blog during my absence, so too was there movement in and out of my life while I was fully present within it. Let me explain.

Some of my postings have mentioned my great love for my husband of the past few years, the man who’d been my childhood sweetheart and with whom I found myself again in relationship some thirty years later. Despite significant challenges and difficulties I felt our connection was infinitely durable; unbreakable; and that we’d find a way to weather through whatever tsunamis washed over our marital shores. And there were many…formed from the deeps wounds to our hearts and souls we’d amassed over the intervening years, and the collective wounds of his children. In the end, we ended up in a bloodied mess, with all of us reeling in shock.

Recover from Narcissistic Abuse – Melanie Tonia Evans

Yet, even at that stage, I’d have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and gone in search of creative ways to resolve our problems, determined to hold our marriage and family intact. I don’t believe there are problems that can’t be solved, only solutions that haven’t yet been found. My husband had other ideas.

The divorce now looms close and I am filled with sadness at the waste of so much love gone awry. The grief is compounded by disappointment in the actions of the man I love; someone who’d always presented himself as a man of integrity. The dishonesty that has followed in the wake of our separation was another shock to my system. Yet, it pales alongside the impact of being discarded as ruthlessly as I was. From the moment my husband made his decision, no discussion was entered into. The axe fell immediately and without mercy. I was tossed from my home and not allowed to return, kept out by misrepresentation of my actions, motives and even my sanity. For the past 10 months I have been essentially homeless, relying on the charity of friends and family, and without the comfort of my familiar possessions around me. It has been cruel.

While the despair returns in waves from time to time, it is fading out to mere ripples and my spirit is readying itself for the next steps into a somewhat uncertain future. Sometimes I am still afraid; at other times I’m excited for the next adventure. There came a point, some months ago, where I knew I had to choose or go mad. I began to wake up each morning with a mantra on my lips: ‘Fear is a choice.’ Before opening my eyes, I concentrated on those words and let them seep into my consciousness for as long as it took to get me out of bed with an attitude of power and love, instead of fear. Mostly, I kept the Great I Am close within me.

There is much more to be told and I’ll unravel the threads here over the coming weeks and months. My experiences have left me wiser, richer in the ways that count, and with a new-found direction for my writing. I have an intimate understanding of the dynamics of emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive relationships, how they develop, why we allow them to continue, and how they can oppress a human spirit to the point where we no longer trust our own reality. It is truly the stuff of madness, or in the jargon used by counselors and other experts on abuse, ‘crazy-making’.

I have begun another blog devoted solely to the issue of abuse, how to recognize it, deal with it and either overcome it or escape with your sanity intact. I wanted a loving marriage, a semi-self-sufficient life on the land and mostly, to greet old age with the man I loved by my side. It could…and I believe should…have been eminently do-able. Life had other plans.

If you’ve been impacted by abuse or would like to learn more about this destructive force that seems to be increasing in homes all over the world, please visit my new blog, devoted to the issue:  Killing Me Softly

In my own recovery from emotional, psychological and verbal abuse, I first turned to author Melanie Tonia Evans. Her spiritual insights and powerful recovery can be accessed here: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program   I highly recommend her program as a first line of defense in your healing.

(Note: While I recommend resources that have assisted me in my journey, the purpose of both my blogs is not to make money from clicks, but to educate and encourage others. Any links I include will lead to resources I have genuinely found extremely helpful and not all are potential sources of income for myself.)

Love and light.

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6 responses to “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans

  1. Wow, we really are twins! I too am SLOWLY (with many breaks) working my way through the same recovery programme, wow so we are both recovering from this as well as the neurological complexities we live with. I have to keep stopping the programme, well pausing it I should say while I go away and analyse things in my mind, I can’t move on to part z until part x is clear in my mind etc, and retaining information in this battered and scarred brain takes much longer than it used to lol. I’m so very sorry you have gone through this, isn’t it just the worst thing, they truly leave you not knowing who the hell you are anymore, I’ve never known anything like it. Stay strong on your journey into the future lovely lady. Su x

  2. I’ll stay strong, Su…and know you will too. Yes, they follow their shocking abuse of us by discarding us so brutally and completely that we are shocked all over again. I honestly did go through a version of Post Traumatic Stress. I never want to be in that space again…and it truly saddens me that you too, and so many others like us, have been so cruelly treated. It destroys lives while our abusers wipe their feet on us and move on to destroy someone else, all the while feeling justified and superior. They believe they’re the victims, so deluded is their thinking. And it’s a long hard road for us to remember and reclaim who we are, after they’ve systematically disassembled the very bricks and mortar of our psyches. We’ll grow stronger against the odds because we’ve chosen to do so. I can hear and feel it in your writing. I need to keep my identity secret at this point in time because of legal issues, and apologize for not being able to tell you my name or let you (or anyone) see the face of Miss Min. I hope it doesn’t feel too impersonal. Love and light.

  3. I guess I should consider myself somewhat lucky. Since my husband is too much of a coward (or tightwad -doesnt want to share any of it) to just abandon me. He is allowing my eyes to become clear to his diaboloical self and my love for him to slowly wither -as it does everyday. He is truly a narcissist, charming , successful, so stealth, and the world thinks he just wonderful. What a crock of shit! My 20 year marriage echos of your words so completely. With all the knowledge i’ve gained I am still (so far) unable to severe the connection. I am scared. Not of being alone of the process. They say life with a narcissist is hell but divorcing one is even worse. I feel he’s been setting the stage for smear for a long time, knowing one day I would leave him. Im pretty sure that day is fast approaching. The more of us who expose these frauds the better the human race will be. Its not the life I thought I would end up with. I did not deserve this as does none of the others who suffer with this silent killer. Wish I hadn’t been so long (even knowing what I know) in denial, thinking no he couldn’t be that bad. Reality bites! Thanks

  4. Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, Chely. Don’t blame yourself for not having recognized what was going on earlier, and taking action. The truth is, these people don’t treat us horrendously from the start. They wait until we’re well and truly hooked – in love – and we believe in the false self they’ve presented to us. It’s only natural to wait and wait and wait for that imaginary person to return to us, because in the beginning that person made sure they fulfilled our every need in a way no-one else ever could. That’s part of their game-plan…and it’s a cruel one.

    Divorcing a narciccist is, indeed, a traumatic experience but for me, it hasn’t been nearly as traumatic as the marriage. Each situation is different and you’re the best judge of how it would go for you. However, there may be some steps you can take to strengthen and protect yourself before making the move. I believe it would be better for you to make the move rather than wait for him. I may be wrong, and am no fortune-teller, but it’s possible that if he makes that first move, he’ll pull out all stops to make your life a living hell. He will have convinced himself that you’re so crazy, impossible, out of your mind, that you deserve to be relegated to the trash heap and have piles of debris loaded on top of you. Yes, he’ll definitely smear your name far and wide and you’ll need to have built up some strength before you’re able to tolerate the injustice and pain of it all.

    Is it possible for you to see a psychologist or counselor on your own? (Couples counseling would be a waste of time at this stage.) It may help to build up your self-esteem and belief in your own reality so that you’re not as blindsided by what other people think (which will be whatever your husband tells them!) Can you build up a strong support network of people who know the real you and can reassure and support you during the months after separation? I found this invaluable. I have adult daughters whose belief in me has never wavered and they have consistently helped me to laugh at the crazy statements my husband has been making about me. Can you stash enough money aside (in a shoebox if you have to) in order to ensure you can set up a new residence with ease?

    Emotional abuse truly is a silent killer, hence the name of this site. I am truly sorry for what you are going through and have gone through all these years. You DO NOT deserve this. You are a unique and precious being, and no matter how old you are, your life is not over yet. You have a future – a clear, strong, purpose-filled future. Go claim it. 🙂

  5. I am truly sorry to learn of your grief. You have a great deal to give — despite and because of your suffering. Never forget that. May God surround you with His love.

  6. Thank you, Anna. It’s lovely of you to stop by and visit me again. Time marches on and my healing continues. God has been by my side throughout the whole process and indeed, I have drawn much closer to Him. I am noticing coincidences that are definitely not really coincidences but God’s loving hand ushering me here and there, opening the doors, leaving me very clear messages. It’s pure delight to know that even the tiny details of my life are important to the real Keeper of My Heart.

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