It’s been almost a year now since I’ve found the wherewithal to share my soul musings here. My apologies to those who’ve stopped by and found nothing new and inspiring to read, and my thanks to those who have left comments and ‘likes’ regardless.
Just as there has been movement in and out of my blog during my absence, so too was there movement in and out of my life while I was fully present within it. Let me explain.
Some of my postings have mentioned my great love for my husband of the past few years, the man who’d been my childhood sweetheart and with whom I found myself again in relationship some thirty years later. Despite significant challenges and difficulties I felt our connection was infinitely durable; unbreakable; and that we’d find a way to weather through whatever tsunamis washed over our marital shores. And there were many…formed from the deeps wounds to our hearts and souls we’d amassed over the intervening years, and the collective wounds of his children. In the end, we ended up in a bloodied mess, with all of us reeling in shock.
Yet, even at that stage, I’d have picked myself up, dusted myself off, and gone in search of creative ways to resolve our problems, determined to hold our marriage and family intact. I don’t believe there are problems that can’t be solved, only solutions that haven’t yet been found. My husband had other ideas.
The divorce now looms close and I am filled with sadness at the waste of so much love gone awry. The grief is compounded by disappointment in the actions of the man I love; someone who’d always presented himself as a man of integrity. The dishonesty that has followed in the wake of our separation was another shock to my system. Yet, it pales alongside the impact of being discarded as ruthlessly as I was. From the moment my husband made his decision, no discussion was entered into. The axe fell immediately and without mercy. I was tossed from my home and not allowed to return, kept out by misrepresentation of my actions, motives and even my sanity. For the past 10 months I have been essentially homeless, relying on the charity of friends and family, and without the comfort of my familiar possessions around me. It has been cruel.
While the despair returns in waves from time to time, it is fading out to mere ripples and my spirit is readying itself for the next steps into a somewhat uncertain future. Sometimes I am still afraid; at other times I’m excited for the next adventure. There came a point, some months ago, where I knew I had to choose or go mad. I began to wake up each morning with a mantra on my lips: ‘Fear is a choice.’ Before opening my eyes, I concentrated on those words and let them seep into my consciousness for as long as it took to get me out of bed with an attitude of power and love, instead of fear. Mostly, I kept the Great I Am close within me.
There is much more to be told and I’ll unravel the threads here over the coming weeks and months. My experiences have left me wiser, richer in the ways that count, and with a new-found direction for my writing. I have an intimate understanding of the dynamics of emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive relationships, how they develop, why we allow them to continue, and how they can oppress a human spirit to the point where we no longer trust our own reality. It is truly the stuff of madness, or in the jargon used by counselors and other experts on abuse, ‘crazy-making’.
I have begun another blog devoted solely to the issue of abuse, how to recognize it, deal with it and either overcome it or escape with your sanity intact. I wanted a loving marriage, a semi-self-sufficient life on the land and mostly, to greet old age with the man I loved by my side. It could…and I believe should…have been eminently do-able. Life had other plans.
If you’ve been impacted by abuse or would like to learn more about this destructive force that seems to be increasing in homes all over the world, please visit my new blog, devoted to the issue: Killing Me Softly
In my own recovery from emotional, psychological and verbal abuse, I first turned to author Melanie Tonia Evans. Her spiritual insights and powerful recovery can be accessed here: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program I highly recommend her program as a first line of defense in your healing.
(Note: While I recommend resources that have assisted me in my journey, the purpose of both my blogs is not to make money from clicks, but to educate and encourage others. Any links I include will lead to resources I have genuinely found extremely helpful and not all are potential sources of income for myself.)
Love and light.