On Truth and Beauty

True beauty is ageless, timeless, intangible. It is evident at every age and stage of life and inherent in every human being, male or female, young or old. Deep within ourselves we hold this knowledge and yet we forget. We struggle with exquisitely painful feelings of inadequacy, failure and abandonment because we do not live up to the ideal of a mere physical beauty imposed upon us from the external world.

 

Women in particular, who are valued almost solely for their looks, suffer immeasurably, becoming consumed by the attainment of this one thing, beauty. Yet, the hierarchy that has been created in our material world is an illusion. In reality, there is no objective measure of beauty, no better or best, no gradation of beauty from plain to pretty to perfect. We are beautiful according to our uniqueness, because there is no other human exactly like we are, no soul whose journey and purpose is quite like ours. No one is more valuable or worthy of love and respect because of the nuances of bone structure, skin tone or physical measurements of any kind.

 

These illusions are built on shifting sands; our culture raises the bar, changing the criteria of desirability so that ultimately, no one can win. The trick is to understand that there is no competition.

 

I have spoken with many women who, like me, are trying to integrate their inner and outer experiences. We need to somehow survive, emotionally and spiritually intact, in a world that relentlessly throws poison darts at our self esteem. We need to shed a little light on this dark aspect of femininity. We need to do what women have done throughout history – worked alongside one another to stitch together a rich tapestry of truth and experience to reveal something far more beautiful and powerful than any individual icon of our time.

 

I’m an idealist and in my own quiet way, a warrior. If I could find a way to open the eyes of the world to the illusion, to reveal the truth that is truly beautiful, I would do it. I would remove the pain from our sisters, daughters and mothers  – if I was able to change the world.

 

Instead, I drop my pebbles into the pond, hoping the ripples will span out and make a difference.

 

Recently, I heard a radio talk-back program in which the Buddha was discussed. Scratchy reception meant that I missed most of what was said but I did manage to catch a pearl of wisdom that is particularly significant for me. After living as an ascetic in the wilderness for many, many years, the Buddha reached a point of true enlightenment. The story goes that at this point, he had a conversation with the devil, who said something like, ‘Well, you made it. You’ve reached the point of true enlightenment. And now no-one will understand what you’re talking about.’ The Buddha responded that ‘someone will understand.’ His point was that all his effort and pain were worth it if only one human being understood the message he came to bring to the world.

 

I am no Buddha and my path to enlightenment is yet in its early stages. Yet if only one other person understands and benefits from the insights I bring to this blog, and to my life in general, then my job is done.

 

This thing called ‘beauty’ is a burden, a two-edged sword that must be handled carefully until the illusion is lifted and truth becomes our reality. I don’t expect this to happen in my lifetime, or in my daughters’ lifetime, or even in my daughters’ daughters’ – but I do intend to be instrumental in the process. When enough people understand, change will take place.

Hardwiring of the Soul

Am I who I am?

I’ve previously promised that today’s post will expand upon Erik Erikson’s third stage of human development, that of ‘Initiative versus Guilt’; but I’d like to deviate for a day or two to take you on another exploration of the soul, a topic that is, after all, the main thrust of this blog.

Just a few weeks ago I had an extraordinarily confronting experience with my own brain. According to a SPECT scan, my brain and I aren’t exactly on the same wavelength, and I’ve been struggling with what that means for me, for my thought processes and emotions, ever since. Can I trust myself? Is what I hear and see and feel real, or a product of some sort of distorted perception, the kind that can happen with certain types of brain pathology? (And this kind of thinking, in itself, can transport one into the realms of madness.) At this point, doctors are not particularly forthcoming with answers, beng as bamboozled as I am by my strange results. What chance do I have of putting it all together?

I guess all I can do is what I’ve always done, and that’s to investigate the bigger picture. So while this post is, on one level, about me and my particular illness, it’s more about the broader picture.

At this point, I’ll give some brief history. Seventeen years ago, an enterovirus ripped through my body. It hit me at a time when the stressors on both my body and on my emotional health were acute. Having had major surgery after a year of continued,undiagnosed ill-health (please forgive me for not going into personal details here), I found myself in the throes of a relationship breakdown. This particular breakdown came as an utter shock, further weakening my immune system. Then, because I was unable to look after my two young daughters on my own during the coming months of recovery, I had to leave the home I loved to live in a city I hated, leaving a stockpile of accumulated grief for me to sift through.

Enter the beast. The virus ravaged my central nervous system, affected my heart and general vascular system, enlarged my spleen, weakened my liver, and over time, ruined my digestive health and musculature, and exhausted my adrenals. I never recovered.

Unfortunately, the condition is little understood or even recognized by the majority  of physicians, so it has taken close to two decades to find a doctor willing to investigate properly and order tests beyond routine blood tests. One of those tests was the brain SPECT scan, which clearly showed reduced blood flow in the frontal, temporal and parietal lobes.

Okay, so that’s my individual story. As I’ve always done, I’ve conducted my own fact-finding mission, bearing in mind that not everything one reads on the internet is accurate,  yet acknowledging that there are some very reliable sources if we dig deep enough.

While I found much of interest as my fingers did the walking, the source that grabbed my attention is an article I found on www.mercola.com. Dr Mercola is a holistic practitioner who has spent many years researching therapies from both the mainstream and alternative fields of medicine, then offering his two cents worth to the public. The article, which can be found here, gives us a look into the controversial world of Dr Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist whose methods do not always find favour with his peers. Perhaps not such a bad thing.

In his practice, Dr Amen uses brain SPECT scans to detect any areas in which his patients are experiencing reduced blood flow. These areas of decreased blood flow indicate brain pathology, and follow-up tests can be done to detect, among other things, cysts, tumours and the destruction of neural pathways. According to Dr Amen, a good number of patients who present with behavioural problems such as aggression and low impulse control, turn out to have measurable brain pathology. Hmmm. He even tells the story of his own nephew who, having previously been a placid boy, was suddenly in trouble for beating up kids on the playground. When his sister brought her son in for a check up, Dr Amen discovered a sizeable cyst in the pre-frontal cortex, an area known to be associated with impulse control. The cyst was removed and the boy returned to his usual, calm self.

What does all this potentially mean? Should we be so quick to judge a person’s behaviour, even when that behaviour is as repulsive, as reprehensive, as murder? Is a person really just the sum of parts? Is there a soul attached to this brain of ours, and is that soul somewhat at the mercy of the intricasies of brain funcion or pathology? Dr Amen suggests that it is; that the brain represents the hardwiring of the soul, hence the title for this essay. He further suggests that if the physical integrity of the brain is not maintained, then it has implications for the expressions of the soul. It’s murky waters certainly. And yet, I suspect that, human beings and human behaviour being what they are, we should at least reserve our judgment. Perhaps…just perhaps…there but for the grace of God, go I?

On a personal level, am I excusing my own shortcomings? Not at all. Having the light shed on the physical issues gives me understanding and compassion for myself, as well as for those who deal with me in the day to day, particularly my husband and children. It also gives me hope. That hope opens up a world of possibility for change and further exploration. If the brain impacts the soul, then perhaps, just perhaps…the soul can impact the brain.

Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt – 18 months to 3 years

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.com

Goodbye sweet baby and hello terrible twos! This stage of childhood development is notorious for its often sudden and confusing onset, as well as for the tumult it leaves in the wake of tantrums, defiant behaviour and general hijinks. Even though we’re told to expect it, many parents still find themselves dumbstruck, asking each other and whoever else will listen, ‘Where has my placid, good-natured baby gone? And is she going to be like this forever?’

The answer, of course, is that she’s still there somewhere, waiting for you to help her through this awkward stage, which is every bit as difficult for her as it is for you, and that, no, she shouldn’t be like this forever; though we all know adults who can throw a memorable tantrum! Perhaps they never resolved this particular psychosocial stage and so remain locked in it, forever at the mercy of their own uncontrollable emotions. That’s not a fate we want for our children.

Erik Erikson called the period of time between approximately 18 months and 3 years of age, a stage of ‘autonomy versus shame and doubt’. The child is just beginning to realize that she isn’t a part of mummy and daddy, that she is a separate human being with a whole set of unique needs. Her task is to develop the skills to maintain a healthy will. She needs to accomplish certain tasks for herself, without the help of her parents and to be able to set boundaries that define her as separate. That’s where that jarring ‘No!’ comes in.

Rather than taking it personally and becoming locked into an ongoing battle of wills with your child – a battle that no-one can win – it makes more sense to understand where she’s coming from and how imperitive it is for her to go through this stage and come out the other side with a sense of accomplishment and autonomy. As she grows into an adult, that autonomy will stand her in good steed as she negotiates a world that will often want to prevent her from achieving her goals. A self esteem that includes a balance between independence and connection with others, will allow her to reach her goals while still maintaining healthy relationships.

This time of life is a period of rapidly growing brain function. Nerve connections are advancing at a truly amazing rate as children gain more control over their bodies and acquire new skills, particularly language. But because their motor skills are still developing it can be a frustrating time for parents as they learn to stand back and let their children try out their newfound abilities. Many of us want to rush in and get the job done quickly, or to rescue our child from the pain of struggle. The reality is, however, that we’re really rescuing ourselves, not our children. It’s our own anxiety we want to put an end to. That might be a bitter pill to swallow for those of us who prefer to think of ourselves as helpers, wanting to cushion the rocky path for our little ones so they don’t stumble and fall, but the look of sheer determination that we see on the faces of our little ones should tell us that they’re more than up for the challenge. In fact, when we step in and do things for them that they’re capable of doing themselves, we end up causing them untold frustration. More importantly, we give them a very clear, unspoken message – that we don’t believe in them.

A good rule of thumb for any stage of our childrens’ development is: Never do anything for them that they’re capable of doing themselves. This is contrary to the popular belief promoted by pop psychologists ie that a child’s self esteem is acquired through constant praise. The research shows clearly that self esteem is developed through feelings of ‘self efficacy’. What that means is that when children and adults acquire new skills, they feel good about what they’ve accomplished – this, in turn, raises feelings of self worth and self esteem. It’s still important to acknowledge our childrens’ conquests with warmth and a timely ‘well done’, and to encourage their efforts so they don’t give up. However, going overboard with a barrage of, ‘Wow, aren’t you fantastic, amazing, brilliant!’ every time they remember to pick up their shoes, simply doesn’t ring true – and the kids are painfully aware of it.

Despite their roaring voices and volatile behaviour, toddlers this age are really vulnerable. They can easily be shamed by parents who criticize their efforts or take over a child’s attempts to learn a new skill. As difficult as it is, we need to be wary of our own frustrated outbursts. We’ve all been guilty of this at some time during our children’s lives. An exhausted, bleary eyed parent with a headache can be forgiven for saying, ‘Oh for goodness sake! Let me do it,’ while watching their child fumble with their shirt buttons for the twentieth time in a minute. But by and large, we need to do our best to prevent our children from feeling ashamed of their efforts.

The area in which this is most crucial is, naturally, toilet training. While Erikson doesn’t agree with Freud’s emphasis on sexuality, he does agree that if we’re shamed in the process of toilet training (as in learning other important skills), we may end up feeling ashamed of ourselves and doubt our capabilities. The result can be a lifelong struggle with low self-esteem.

My next post focuses on the ages between 3 and 5 years, a time when it’s all about play, play, play! Yet, as much fun as that sounds, if the social conflicts of this particular stage aren’t resolved in a satisfactory manner, a child can be left with a pervasive sense of guilt.

Next post: Initiative vs Guilt

Until then, thank you for visiting.

Trust vs Mistrust – the first stage of human development

It is human to have a long childhood; it is civilized to have an even longer childhood. Long childhood makes a technical and mental virtuoso out of man, but it also leaves a life-long residue of emotional immaturity in him.

— Erik Homburger Erikson (1902-1994)

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Before a child is born, it experiences ever-present security, warmth, nourishment and comfort from within its mother’s body. During this glorious time, there is no fear, no unmet need, no threat and no frustration. Then suddenly, a helpless baby is expelled into a world of bright lights, unfamiliar faces and voices, hard surfaces, discomfort, hunger and thirst. Danger lurks at every turn. No wonder we enter the world screaming.

At this very first stage of a child’s journey through life, it is a parent’s primary responsibility to instill a sense of trust in their little ones; trust in other human beings, in the world that surrounds them, and ultimately in themselves. Long before babies can talk, they are learning. Is the world a safe place or is it full of unpredictable events and accidents waiting to happen?

This stage, which lasts from birth until approximately 18 months, is one that parents do, at least, receive some training for – through antenatal classes, talking with midwives at baby clinics and via parenting magazines that are readily available on newsagent shelves. (Rarely do these publications go beyond the scope of the first few years of childhood.)

Building trust may seem like a daunting obligation because it is so crucial for the healthy development of a child’s personality, and later happiness. Yet, despite the sleep-deprivation and anxiety that almost invariably accompanies early parenting, the initial steps toward helping a child become a trusting, and trustworthy human being are relatively simple. In short, babies need to be given food when hungry and drink when thirsty; they need to be kept comfortably warm but not too warm; they need to have nappies changed regularly; they need both their bodies and their environments to be kept clean; they need to be kept safe from harm and they need to be comforted when they’re in pain, or are lonely or frightened. Some infants need to be rocked to sleep if they’re unable to settle themselves, and all babies, without exception, need the tender loving touch of, and eye contact with, other human beings, particularly the primary care givers.That’s usually mum and dad. And that’s really all there is to it.

It’s worth pointing out though, that in spite of our best efforts, no child negotiates this stage having had every single need met, every single time. There will be times when baby must wait to be fed – perhaps mother is driving or in the middle of grocery shopping. There will also be times when it’s necessary to wake a baby up in the middle of a nap because brothers and sisters need to be picked up from kindergarten or school, or for any number of plausible reasons. Often too, it’s just not possible to know why a baby is crying. Is it colic? Is it teething? A headache or sore throat?

Relax. While it’s true that the care we give our children needs to be consistent, predictable and reliable, if we provide a basically stable environment in which needs are generally met, a child will pass through the first 18 months of life with a basic sense of trust intact. This, in turn, gives him hope for the future and the capacity for healthy relationships.

Sadly, if a child fails to experience trust and is constantly frustrated because his needs are not met, he may end up not only fearful of the world and people in general, but also with a deep sense of worthlessness. As well as having no confidence in the world around him, he will doubt his own ability to influence events, leading to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. This is what we see when we encounter children who have been neglected or abused. We see the fear in their eyes and the dejection in their steps. It may take years to gain their trust, or perhaps we never will. They underachieve and are over-represented in the juvenile justice system because they don’t believe in, or trust themselves. Their self-worth is heart-breakingly fragile and unless they receive a lot of guidance in later years, they carry this mindset throughout adulthood. And perhaps not surprisingly, research on suicides and suicide attempts point to the importance of the early years in developing the primary belief that the world and its people are trustworthy, and that all human beings have a right to be here.

While abuse and outright neglect are extreme examples of parents failing to meet their responsibilities, there are other parents who, through ignorance or circumstances like physical or mental illness, poverty, or being stuck in unsafe environments, may inadvertantly foster degrees of mistrust and low self-worth in their children. The good news is that the capacity for learning and personal growth continues until we die or lose our mental faculties. The bad news, of course, is that it’s very difficult to unlearn the deep-seated fears and feelings of worthlessness that develop as very young children; then to replace these with new habits of trust and a sense of worthiness. It takes a lot of work and consistent support from therapists, friends and significant others.

In third world countries where poverty and starvation are the norm, or in war-torn and disaster torn nations, parents are genuinely unable to provide the consistent and reliable care a baby needs; but in environments where basic survival is assured and the people have been educated, ignorance is a choice. To help you stay informed, I’ll continue this series with my next post:

Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt: 18 months to 3 years